So after sending the wife and kids off to the seaside in Tuscanny and preparing myself for a few days walking, working and camping in the beloved mountains poor little Robin got an infection so of course he and the wife had to spend 4 days in hospital. This meant that I had to go down too to look after the Howler … on the beach!!
Can there really be anything more nightmarish than 4 days on the beach? It must be the most boring and mind-numbing environment known to man. What on earth do you do on one? Once you’ve had a swim, then what? What do you look at? It’s all the bloody same - flat, featureless, boring. OK, it may just be tolerable with a good book, ear plugs and blinkers and a vast population of female mutes with an average age of 22 but without… well I think wars maybe conceived on beaches because they certainly bring out the homicidal part of me.
Mr Ugh on the next umbrella continually shouting to his waddling overweight son (just why is it that obese kids waddle?) to stop doing what he continually keeps doing regardless tend to have me fantasizing about some of the more colourful methods of execution. Why bother shouting you ignorant uncouth tattooed oaf? Get up off your arse and beat the crap out of the bloated walrus once and for all or else just shut up and let him get on with it. And have you never heard of grammar? Mind you judging by his larded puffy peroxide wife who deftly manages to down three voluminous custard doughnuts one after another whilst chain smoking (and of course stubbing each fag-end out in the sand) and reading (??) one of these glossy fashion mags, exemplary parental guidance may well be lacking all round. What ever happened to decorum? Or have I become a snob? And then there are the droves of bloody African trinket sellers. NO I DO NOT WANT TO BUY A PAIR OF CRAPPY SUNGLASSES OR A TOWEL. SOD OFF FOR CHRIST’S SAKE!!!!
I think that to be allowed on beaches you should have to study and eventually pass a ‘suitability test’ to ensure a modicum of social graces. A lengthy syllabus including such sections as diction, volume control, how to eat properly, silent restraint of obnoxious children, what sitting and lying position not to adopt, surreptitious scratching, linguistic accuracy and social use of the radio (with sections dealing with the choice of station). Mendecants and pedlars of course should be banned.
Nah! It wouldn’t work. A far better thing would be a lifelong ban for people like me from even stepping onto sand unless on some remote highland beach in the middle of winter.
Yeeeeeees! (…begins to compose letter to local MP)