Thursday, October 30, 2014

How to walk on beech leaves and a certain cure for constipation.

For all those that suffer from chronic constipation, I have found the cure. If you have a normal appreciation of height and are not some freak who likes hanging off cliffs suspended by a length of nylon rope and stuff, this is for you. Guaranteed to relax the bowel two or three times within just 40 minutes and all you have to do is walk. OK, it’s a strenuous walk but how much do you want to be cured? You really want to stay constipated for ever? The culmination of this hike is perfect for your needs. A rapid induction of sphincter twitches through the use of a narrow path, long, very long vertical or near vertical drops, dried grass folded over the path in the direction of the drop just like a thatched roof and the occasional gust of strong wind and slip of foot will guarantee a successful motion. Bring toilet paper and a lighter (to burn the toilet paper with you peasant) but leave the comic book, you won’t have time to read it. A stake and convenient length of rope may prove useful for those who move around a lot while moving their bowels. A word of warning for constipated barefooters. This hike is not for you. The combination of dry feet on dry grass is lethal and lethal does nothing for constipation until impact at which point no relief or benefit is gained. Should normal near death experiences not suffice to create a wonderful and relaxing movement, wimpering and snivelling on the tricky bits will usually speed any reticent turd out of the bowel in case sheer terror alone can not.
But now to the main title of this blog. How to walk on beech leaves. For those of you who are little experienced in such pastimes, this will seem perhaps a little odd and you may be at a loss to understand just what it is all about and why the need for explanation. For those (I’m presumptuously presuming here,  a number of readers of this blog beyond the singular) already experienced in this activity, perhaps you may poo-poo this and claim previous knowledge and expertise but however, maybe not. So, as an expert in walking down steep inclines covered in a thick carpet of beech leaves I am now able to categorically state that the best method is the imitation method. At leaf densities in excess of 1 leaf per 10 cm2 and on an slope anything other than horizontal, lean forward beyond the reasonable, bending slightly from the waist, dangle your arms in front of you like  in planet of the apes or the monkey bit in 2001 Space Odyssey,  and project your head forward, again, beyond the reasonable in the style of and in imitation of, a stereotypical Disney ape man. Comic effect can be obtained by jutting the jaw forward and/or making grunting noises should you so wish.  In this bodily position, of a slightly unnatural feel initially, you will of course continue to slip as before, you must expect this; nobody has yet conquered the beech leaf. It is naturally devoid of friction. Slipping is inevitable. Had Galileo known of beech leaves he could have formulated a perfect theory. When you know the beech leaf, you know that most of the universal laws no longer apply. Although it is true that in a non-beech leaf world, gravity acting on a body, in this case you, will be influenced by the vectors inherent in the degree of slope and modified by the amount of friction as no doubt  expressed with an appropriate equation and calculated with sines and cosines and all that lovely stuff,   but in a beech wood, none of this has any reasonable application. Gravity acts and that’s it. There is no impediment. To all intents and purposes you are in freefall. So how to avoid the consequences of such slippage? Well, simply by leaning forward to the point of stupid thus, when your feet slip from beneath you, your body, already leaning forward, will jerk backwards from 20-30° or whatever you can manage, to vertical instead of from vertical to horizontal backwards  flat onto your arse as you would have had you been silly enough to adopt a normal, erect and dignified  position.  In any case, there is no way you can walk down through a beech wood and remain dignified. Either you start off dignified and fall on your arse thus looking like a complete wally, or you can start off looking like a wally and not fall on your arse. The difference, a sore arse or worse. 
So there you have it, two excellent remedies for common ailments offered free on this blog.

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