Today I have started a diet. I’ve put on 2 kilos in 4 days. It’s the wife’s fault. She keeps organizing barbecues. This is fun; good company, light jovial banter, a bit of wine, plenty of good food and whisky or grappa, earth and dog hairs all over the patio. The problems lies with the wife’s choice of meat. Wild boar. Lot of fat on boar but it has a most excellent taste so it’s easy to wolf it down. She goes to the market in Turin and comes back with thirteen and a half kilos of boar meat, boar spare ribs, boar cutlets, boar chops and then of course boar sausage with herbs to divide amongst 18. That would have been ok but we had people up for a barby on Saturday AND on Sunday that means double rations of meat double rations of wine and tomatoes and cake and ice cream and quadruple rations of an ENOrMOUS water melon! I have a stomach that resembles the water melon I ate so much of, though it is not green or particularly stripy. I even had water melon for brekker which really is at the limit of human breakfast decency. With two wooden spoons you could play a resounding William tell overture on my tum as it is. My body is out of control, 82 kilos of muscle, sinew, bone and lard. So it’s got to go. Down to 76 which should be my ideal weight. If I jumped off a wall today my kneecaps would pop out. So as from tomorrow no more of anything nice, no cool cokes, no ice cream, not cans of ikea pear cider (what?!! No! sod that, the diet is off). The trouble is after eating kilos of meat and a whole bottle of coke and tomatoes and…. I was STILL hungry. It’s not natural. So it’s got to go. How am I ever going to get a lover with such rotundity? As an object my stomach is quite nice, harmonious even, it’s just in the setting of the ret of my bod that is seems a little out of proportion.
Doing the amount of physical work I do, I’ll probably be fainting all over the place but should burn off lots of calories which MIGHT speed things up. Plus it’s summer so I’ll sweat some of it off. I can’t say I’m looking forward to it, never having had to diet for weight in my life but I’m not not looking forward to it either.I once read, though I can’t remember where, that the best way to diet was eat what you liked but always get up from the table still with a slight sensation of hunger. Three men in a boat I think it might have been or three men on a bummel. That sounds like very good advice but very difficult. So I’ll try that but remove all the usual stuff too. Just recently I’ve been drinking coffee (which I take with sugar and milk) instead of tea (which I don’t) so it’s back to tea. The hardest thing is going to be the water. Hate water. Vile stuff. But water it has to be. So far today I have drunk a liter of tap water. No signs of stomach decreasing so far.